Okay so I have just been thinking about how close my birthday is approaching and how I will be turning the big 18 years old! Crazy stuff. i'm going to miss 17, this year has been really good to me and well I guess we all have to keep growing up. Anyways I wanna go out with a list of 17 things i do in the next 15 day before my birthday so i can go out with some accomplishments. Nothing too outrageous but something to document. So I think I will create the list right now before you. So let's get started shall we..
1.See Abby's new apartment
2.Attempt to make macaroons
3.Rearrange room
4.Buy myself some long dangly earrings
5.Meet a New Friend
6.Tell people how much they mean to me
7.Take time to make sure everything I loved about this year has been documented
8.Figure out a goals list for 18th year
9.Cross of certain things from my new year's list
10.Start talking to Steve again
11.Learn about something unique
12.Have a "get to know you" conversation with every girl in my choir
13.Be more optimistic about upcoming situations
14.Go to Church
15.Try a new food
16.Only drink water
17.Be grateful for all i have been giving this year and look for the good in next year
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
k, i can't sleep. yet again. why does this happen so often? why do boys have such an impact on... no why does this one boy have such an impact on my life. I can't figure out why or when these constant thoughts of him are going to stop taking over everything I do. I just can't put this all together. i know i joke around about different reasons why but all in all i'm sure it's just to help the pain. I can't figure out why things would play out like this if I prayed so often thanking God for a friend like him. a friend. Sure i miss our walks, playing games in the park, laying under the stars talking having deep talks about life. Those are my most engraved memories that i can't shut out. But all I want from him now is a friend. I wrote in my journal over spring break this year how if i lost him, lost my best friend that i wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself and that it was my biggest fear. not talking to him. why? why am i being forced to face that fear. it's been almost 2 months and i still don't feel strong enough to face it. I dated a lot of douchebags this year. not respectable boys. boys that liked action and proving points and it was forced. But with him it came naturally. he made me want to be better. I was happier, comfortable, respected, listened to. I can't figure this out. I don't know if i ever will.. does he miss me to? does he ever remember those times we shared in his car, him teaching me sports or any of it. I wonder what he did with that sweatshirt of mine that i gave him that he liked. Does he listen to the song we listened to on prom night while he held me close and cry? probably not. life's rough. i miss him.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Just got done talking to my ex-boyfriend.. feels weird to say that title. Who knows what i'm doing in life right now. These sleepless nights have become way to familiar lately. I better lay down some thoughts before I even try to catch some Z's. Well my mind haha got me caught up in the idea of a turning point right now. I'm quite sick of who I am right now. A girl looking at the glass half empty, getting stuck in stupid situation after stupid situation, being involved with the usual high school douchebags. I am ready to back to April to bad time machines, portals and all things of those sorts are just fantasy. Huff.. well the least I can do is bring my attitude back. I called up my friend Emily today and we went for a walk were I let everything go. The walk was long and full of tears. I'm sick of tears. But I got a lot of answers so it was well worth while. I am keeping my distance from Sterling and Tim they follow the guidelines of heartbreak way too closely it almost makes me suck to think I almost got caught up there. I need to be there for Steve. Even though he broke my heart I believe it was for the right reason, whatever that reason may be. For some reason the harder I try to figure out why he just wants to be friends the more frustrating it gets and the answer just simply won't surface. So i'm sorry for bringing God into this but I guess he thinks I shouldn't know now but it will come to me eventually. Steve and I carried on a rather small, friendly, usual conversation like any other about cats. It's sad how an hour conversation about letting my 3 month old cat by my stair railings can make me feel like I can make it through anything now. Oh what girls do for boys. I don't know how to feel about Steve right now. Something is going on with him. I just know I should be here for him. Everything is going to be okay. We were meant to be on each others lives right now and who knows why. I keep overthinking like any and every girl. Keep going over the way he said things tonight. Was it Flirty? Or was he just trying to be nice? Why so many Smileys when I wouldn't reciprocate? Why did he say i shouldn't be sorry? Do we have a chance? Would I want another chance? Why can't I let this one go? So much on my mind. I honestly think we still care for each other so strongly we just don't have the romantic feel there that we did. But I think I can live with that. Good thing is i'm super busy over the next two weeks so I won't worry about him too much over that period of time. Hopefully. Well maybe he'll think about me a bit and i'll think of him a little less. No matter what life goes on and i've found that loving when you're ready and not when you're lonely can bring some great things. Glass half full? Yeah? I got great friends at work and Emily. It's summer! I am going to youth conference this week downtown. My kittens are home safe tonight. I get paid tomorrow plus a bonus :) going to the temple tomorrow. There's just so much to look around and say thank you for. Things could always be worse. Well let's start this turning point with a good nights sleep. Goodnight!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
So my thoughts this afternoon consist of a couple if random thoughts. Starting off with my thoughts about cartoons. I'm curious to see who is behind ever single cartoon character ever! I wanna look them all up but am feeling rather lazy at the moment. It's so sad that those guys don't really get quite enough credit though. I wonder if I were to meet some people at a party and we got to talking about interests and I told them I was an actress and they asked me if I'd ever been in anything they would've seen and I said I was the voice of chip the little cup on beauty and the beast how many people would believe me. Cause I know if I was talking to a man and he said he was the voice of aladdin I would totally buy it! Guess I'll have to try that out sometime. My next thought is about how I want to watch the national geographic documentary about twins!! I love twins. Twins skip a generation so I wonder if I married a man whose parents were twins would I be more likely to have twins? Man they are just amazing! I want to become a twin expert and take a whole class dedicated to studies on them. It really is like cloning to me. Yeah I can only marry a man that has twins running in the family. Good thing is twins run in my family :) well that's pretty much all the random thoughts I got right now
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