k, i can't sleep. yet again. why does this happen so often? why do boys have such an impact on... no why does this one boy have such an impact on my life. I can't figure out why or when these constant thoughts of him are going to stop taking over everything I do. I just can't put this all together. i know i joke around about different reasons why but all in all i'm sure it's just to help the pain. I can't figure out why things would play out like this if I prayed so often thanking God for a friend like him. a friend. Sure i miss our walks, playing games in the park, laying under the stars talking having deep talks about life. Those are my most engraved memories that i can't shut out. But all I want from him now is a friend. I wrote in my journal over spring break this year how if i lost him, lost my best friend that i wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself and that it was my biggest fear. not talking to him. why? why am i being forced to face that fear. it's been almost 2 months and i still don't feel strong enough to face it. I dated a lot of douchebags this year. not respectable boys. boys that liked action and proving points and it was forced. But with him it came naturally. he made me want to be better. I was happier, comfortable, respected, listened to. I can't figure this out. I don't know if i ever will.. does he miss me to? does he ever remember those times we shared in his car, him teaching me sports or any of it. I wonder what he did with that sweatshirt of mine that i gave him that he liked. Does he listen to the song we listened to on prom night while he held me close and cry? probably not. life's rough. i miss him.