k, i can't sleep. yet again. why does this happen so often? why do boys have such an impact on... no why does this one boy have such an impact on my life. I can't figure out why or when these constant thoughts of him are going to stop taking over everything I do. I just can't put this all together. i know i joke around about different reasons why but all in all i'm sure it's just to help the pain. I can't figure out why things would play out like this if I prayed so often thanking God for a friend like him. a friend. Sure i miss our walks, playing games in the park, laying under the stars talking having deep talks about life. Those are my most engraved memories that i can't shut out. But all I want from him now is a friend. I wrote in my journal over spring break this year how if i lost him, lost my best friend that i wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself and that it was my biggest fear. not talking to him. why? why am i being forced to face that fear. it's been almost 2 months and i still don't feel strong enough to face it. I dated a lot of douchebags this year. not respectable boys. boys that liked action and proving points and it was forced. But with him it came naturally. he made me want to be better. I was happier, comfortable, respected, listened to. I can't figure this out. I don't know if i ever will.. does he miss me to? does he ever remember those times we shared in his car, him teaching me sports or any of it. I wonder what he did with that sweatshirt of mine that i gave him that he liked. Does he listen to the song we listened to on prom night while he held me close and cry? probably not. life's rough. i miss him.

This is a great, inspirational quote. haha. i love it. I am at the point right now where i'm having to make a lot of decisions in my life and i'm going to make them based on what i think. Not anyone else. getting old is scary. yeah i know i'm not like going over the hill or looking for grave sites right now but i'm almost out of my parent's house, turning 18, figuring out colleges and school next year.. bleh.. i just want to play with King. all the time. Funny story time. Yesterday i got home and wanted to play with my kittens and well i started playing with them but they were being rather boring and lazy so i picked them both up like you would hold a pair of old moist smelly underwear.. if people were to ever pick that up. arms streched out and they're just hanging there haha. i then started playing "Barbie's" with my kittens. giving them dialogue such as "i love you. no i love you." haha it was great fun. yes i'm weird i know. okay back to where i was. let's see.. life's strange i got to contemplate lots and lots of stuff right now. But instead i just sit on my couch on a Monday night when i got calls to hang out haha nope i'd rather stay in my sweats, high bun, knee high socks, ice cream, pinterest. I'm such a loser ha. seriously. oh and did i tell you? i love gay boys. yay. and apparently i love periods. . . . . . . . .k... ..,;.trkfg.. . yup. sorry. minor spaz! i'm tired. night.